Safety Patrol

The closest I’ll ever come to living out my double identity fantasy as a commoner/superhero or my triple identity fantasy as a commoner/assassin/spy is participating in commercial office building fire drills as a key member of an Emergency Response Team.

I guess I should be thanking those lucky stars that we’ve never had a real emergency situation on the premises thus far, but I still can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up and thought to myself, “Will today be the day that I save a life by fashioning a tourniquet from my panty hose?”

That particular daydream also involves a special ceremony sponsored by L’eggs where I am awarded the Hometown Hero Award and a lifetime supply of Sheer Energy Control Top Reinforced Toe Pantyhose in Suntan.

When the alarm sounds, I put on my bright orange lobster bib complete with retina blinding reflectors and grab my walk-y talky. Then I brace myself against a wall as every last tenant within thirty floors of cubicle farm moo’s a sigh in unison.

I get everything from a simple scowl to ridiculous grown ups behaving like unruly high school teenagers absolutely refusing to leave their desks.

The cool kids (in their late thirties) see me coming and immediately slow their pace to a crawl.

“Oh we better hurry up and get out of here! I’m on fire! It’s so hot up here! SOMEBODY HELP ME!”

These scenarios have spawned a fresh set of daydreams where I evacuate the building on my own terms.

In the first, I sweep the floor on a pair of roller blades wearing nothing but Roman candle boob tassels and a whistle.

In the second, I’m still on roller blades, but this time I have a super soaker loaded with habanera pepper extract and a boom box on my shoulder playing Prodigy’s “Firestarter”.

Teeth (down there).

Vagina Dentata is Latin for “toothed vagina”. How’s that for a conversation starter? Dentata is often spoken about in folklore and ancient myths of several cultures as a cautionary tale to prevent men from having sex with random ladies.

The movie I regrettably watched alone last night, Teeth, sheds a hilarious and horrific light on the subject. I say regrettably because it’s really a movie you should be watching with another human with a good sense of inappropriate humor.

Because when I’d shout, “OH GOD DID YOU SEE THAT AGHHHHHHHHH!!!” my dog translates this to “GO GET THE BALL!!!” and it’s difficult to pay attention when cute, furry things prance around in front of my face. And due to the topic at hand what I said just then was probably not the best choice of words.

High school student Dawn, played by awesome indie newcomer, Jess Weixler, is saving herself for marriage. Her legs are locked together by her big toes until she meets “the one”.

She realizes too late that “the one” is also “the one who does not compute the word no” and well, that’s when things get ugly.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but could things possibly get uglier than a vagina with shark like teeth?

*SPOILER ALERT*

My only complaint (and I’m incapable of saying this delicately) is that the viewer never gets a glimpse of the little monster. Sure, I’ve got a pretty vivid imagination for a twenty-five year old, but I found myself absolutely dying to know things like did it have cavities or any other double entendres I should be aware of?

Admittedly, I found myself leering over the edge of the couch to see over the lower black band of the wide screen. You know, like when you mindlessly tilt left and right during sharp turns in Mario Kart?

Basically, if you’re a fan of awkward horror comedy like Sleepaway Camp, I Spit on Your Grave, or Slither I bet you’ll take this for what it’s worth.

P.S. I also rented P.S. I Love You last night.

I’m having an identity crisis.