Every visit to the orthodontist is completely different than the last, so it’s near impossible to mentally prepare myself. Each time I’m assigned a new torture hungry technician in purple (power color, obviously) scrubs, but their breath always smells the same like chicken salad sandwiches, heavy on the onion.
The lady at the front counter compliments a necklace I wear often every time she sees me. I wonder if it’s really that fantastic or if they need to replace her customer service chip. I can also say that I’ve seriously entertained the idea of mouthing, “I love your necklace!” along with her next time. And that’s a prime example of why it’d be terribly dangerous to medicate my social anxiety.
My new technician instructed me to lie down and as she opened my records folder the laminated photos fastened in the middle came out like a centerfold for crooked smile fetishists. I grew a sweat mustache immediately because really the last thing you want in that situation is a “butter fingers”.
I attempted to focus on some new pop country song overhead. “Kenny Chesney,” I heard someone across the room say. The chorus sounded to me like, “She thinks my trash is sexy.” And that actually made me laugh out loud. My tech said he’ll be coming to town soon and my response was, “Oh.” She said, “You don’t like country music?” I explained that I haven’t been exposed to much new country and left out the part about how I know the lyrics to every song on Garth Brooks’ Ropin’ the Wind.
Later I learned that the lyrics to that Kenny Chesney song were “She thinks my tractor’s sexy.” Honestly, that does make more sense.
When it came time to choose my new rubber bands I stalled, but I already had the color green on my mind. “We have John Deere green or BRIGHT GREEN.” By that time I was so tired of tractor references and the way she spoke BRIGHT GREEN in all caps excited me. Needless to say, I chose BRIGHT GREEN.
I didn’t even look, I just chose it.
And it’s the color of a fluorescent green highlighter, Nickelodeon slime, or crazy people.
But on the BRIGHT SIDE it was popular with eleven year old boys in line to see The Dark Knight, my target demographic.
I’m going to see it again tomorrow night at the IMAX, so I’m hoping I can continue to spread the word that braces never hurt and make you look really smart.
I can also say that I’ve seriously entertained the idea of mouthing, “I love your necklace!” along with her next time.
HAHHAHAHHAHHAHA
If only, I swear.
I’ll be sneaking glances at you to see if your mouth glows in the dark like Scott’s BFRO T-shirt.
I almost picked up kava kava at the grocery store last night just in case, you know.
See, I thought you wrote ‘Kenny Rogers’ Rapin’ The Wind’. That activity is, I believe, technically impossible.
Anything is possible, Beth.
(And if that’s true I hope someone captures it on video.)
Oh, one more thing. I think GLASSES make you look smart, esp the big ones with black frames. Braces make you look, oh, how shall I say this, um, well, like you might have food caught in them and if you open wide enough you can shoot those green rubber bands across the kitchen table. Sorry to break this to you. I mean well.
So you’re saying I should wear a pair of tiny glasses on top of my braces?
That would be thoughtful of you.