I only buy cigarettes on special occasions when I need a minty, cool death of fresh air. Thank you, American Spirits, for allowing me to feel better about it.
The company claims to never test on animals which is something I can really get behind. The thought of eating a taco with the meat of a cow who had a pack a day habit really grosses me out.
Also, there’s the added, paranormal bonus. They’re haunted in a friendly, mystical, magical way like that mansion at Disneyworld.
The day I smoke a Marlboro is the day they offer an alternative to the Light, Medium, Mild, or Red. I’ll take them up on a Marlboro Ghost. And the day I smoke a Parliament is the day they offer a Parliament Poltergeist. P.P. for short, maybe not, actually.
I stopped at a gas station for a pack the other night when I was feeling dangerously anxious. The four eyed clerk checked my expired Texas driver’s license (I haven’t lived there in 7 years) and said, “Cool last name!”
I didn’t say anything, but I stared at him blankly for a fairly large amount of time. It didn’t compute. My android brain finally powered up again and I thought “Really!? *bleep bloop* Swartz!?”
Did he say, “Cool ASS name?”
Oddly, that would make sense. My e-mail address reads: aswartz@computer.office (sort of) and that (really) looks like ASS WARTZ.
That is a cool ass name, dude.
But I’ll tell you what’s even cooler.
When I sign off of my computer a window pops up that reads: “Log off aswartz?” I see LOG OF ASS WARTZ.
There’s no option to:
1. flush, please?
2. yes, please?
3. prescription, please?
the perfect finish to this post is the note from wordpress that it is
“Posted in Health, Poop”
my baby…
I am laughing my crap off.
I love to smoke but it makes me throw up and get dizzy. It’s an unfortunate problem. However, smoking is a miracle weight loss plan and the only way to get through a messy break-up. Oh, and some good Scotch helps. And crying. And calling your friends at 3 in the morning to ask, why, why?
I gained 20 pounds when I quit smoking because I replaced cigarettes with cookies.
I love smoking, too, but I have to keep it light. Every time I inhale I feel like I’m shooting myself in the head with the tiniest gun anyone’s ever laid eyes upon.
I use to smoke weed with a pot belly pig named Wally. Im just saying.
Thanks for bringing that up the day I wore a blouse made of bacon to work.